Monkey is 16 months old today. For the first time she said Mommy yesterday, not the usual Mama, but Mommy. She is growing and learning so quickly.
Last night we did kisses and hugs, I love yous and tucked her in as usual. She fussed a bit. Then the fussing escalated to crying…well more like sobbing. Crying at bedtime is not a regular occurrence, I could probably count the number of times in her life she had trouble falling asleep at night on 2 hands, so I went in to resettle her. As soon as I walked in the door she shot up and started reaching for me… so I caved and picked her up. It wasn’t my intention to hold her or rock her, but for some reason I walked with her over to the now rarely used rocking chair in the corner of her room and settled in with her.
Once she was in my arms she didn’t shed another tear, she just laid her head on my shoulder and cuddled up against me. She didn’t move around like she usually does she just stayed right there pulled up tight to me sucking her thumb.
So together we sat there and rocked.
Sitting there holding my little girl, brushing her hair and cheek with my finger tips, I couldn’t help but think about how much she has grown. Not so long ago she took up just a small spot while laying against my chest. Not so long ago she was just a 6 pound baby that could lay across my lap in that same chair. Now she has to pull her knees up around my waist just to fit.
In those moments kissing her forehead and pressing my cheek to hers I felt this tug-o-war in my heart. I so badly want her to grow up and be the little girl I know she’ll be. I love to see the new things she learns everyday. I love to watch her become more and more independent. But there is a part of my heart that wants to keep her small as long as possible, time has flown and I have not had my fill of my sweet baby.
Is it possible for her to hurry up and slow down?
No? Well I didn’t think so.
I look back and feel like I haven’t focused on her enough.
I was told to spend time with my baby while she was a baby because things like housework and cooking would always be there but she wouldn’t always be a baby. I should have paid a little more attention to that advice and less to my list of things to do.
I have spent too much time trying to be both a mommy and productive.
I should have spent more time savoring every moment I could with her. I know she is still young and I have plenty of time but at the rate time is flying I’ll be taking her to her first day at kindergarten soon.
I want to be present for her life. I want to really be with her while I am with her. I just hope that I haven’t realized this too late. I hope there is still time to marvel at my little girl, my sweet baby.
