Catherine. Just Catherine.

Scrolling through my Facebook feed this morning for few minutes before jumping into the days to do list a post from a page I follow caught my attention. I’m not sure why exactly because it was a video and I’m not a big internet video watcher. Actually, I’m kind of internet video adverse. There is something jarring about the sound and visuals suddenly exploding into the quiet when a video starts.

I’m not sure what made me stop and click play. Maybe it was the quote in the post below the video “Someone said that mums are the rocks that never crumble. I don’t think that’s true ’cause I do.” Whatever the the reason for clicking I was not prepared for what I would see in that video. Just a video of a woman reading a poem she’d written in a quite dimly lit space.

I watched and at the end let out a big exhale. Woosh. I didn’t even realize I wasn’t breathing the whole while. Her words took my breath away. Brought a layer of tears to my eyes. I look nothing like her, and yet I see myself in her words.

Motherhood and the endless, overflowing, consuming love. The kind of love that wakes you up in the middle of the night just to peek in into a room across the hall just to be sure the little one sleeping there is okay. Motherhood and the crushing, sometimes disorienting weight. Motherhood is so intertwined into every part of me that I sometimes realize I’ve gone days without taking a moment to think of myself. Not myself Madeline’s Mom, or myself Delaney’s Mom, or even myself  Luke’s Wife. What’s my name again? Catherine. Just Catherine.

This is not complaining so please don’t think that it is. It’s okay to acknowledge difficulties while you’re doing hard things that you have chosen to do.  It’s okay to be honest about the challenges and continue on. Saying something is hard and beautiful doesn’t make you any less worthy of having it than if you’d just said it was beautiful.  Motherhood is hard and beautiful. Challenging and rewarding. I chose to be a mom. I’m lucky to be a mom. I’m grateful to be a mom. But I’m still Catherine too.

I’m so grateful for Hollie McNish‘s beautiful words. Words that stopped me in my tracks and reminded me to take a moment to be Catherine before starting in on that to do list filled with things that Madeline’s Mom, and Delaney’s Mom, and Luke’s Wife needed to do.

It’s hard, and it’s beautiful.

It’s overwhelming and heavy, and it’s the most natural thing and wonderful.

I’m Madeline and Delaney’s Mom, and I’m Catherine.