Maddy dumped her bag of valentine’s on the floor and started going through them. One by one she handed them to me to read to her. Her face lit up at each name, telling me they were in her class. Obvious information, but information she need to share nonetheless. She was thrilled with the little treats. Pencils, curvy straws, candy. Her first foray into the world of Valentine’s day outside of the home was a success. Nothing sweeter than a pajama party, special snacks and a decorated paper lunch sack filled with valentine’s. As we worked our way through the pile it dawned on me that her Valentine’s were the only homemade Valentine’s in the class. The rest of the little paper cards had sports stars, cartoon characters and kittens. This had not occurred to Maddy. The paper hearts I cut out of pink, white and red construction paper were no different than the glossy printed cards from her classmates. The red flowers she stamped on each one were just like the perfectly illustrated cartoons. The pencils she attached were similar to the pencils some of her friends had given too.
She didn’t seem to notice they were different, but I did. And for some reason I’m stuck there, noticing. It has nothing to do with the fact that the perfect Valentine’s she worked so very hard on were homemade and the others weren’t. If she had pulled her Valentine’s from a box we bought at the store I would have called them perfect too. This has everything to do with that they were different.
I’m stuck thinking about why her sweet cards being different might affect me and not phase her. I’m immobilized with fear that someday she will notice these silly differences. Differences that I notice so quickly. I’m paralyzed with the thought of her learning this comparison game. Measuring herself. Trying to keep up. It reminds me of that year in elementary school when I begged my mom to spend the extra money and let me get special folders for school with pictures of a super popular boy band, even though I didn’t know much of anything about them. I was trying to keep up. Measure up. I spent that year working to hide those same folders from everyone, I learned too late that boy band wasn’t cool anymore. Out of style. I couldn’t keep up. I wish I could say that was the last time I noticed the differences.
Why do we (meaning people) feel the need to compare and compete? Fit in all while standing out?
And now I’m awake when I should be sleeping. Thinking about how I can teach her to be someone I’m not all the time. Someone who doesn’t need to carry a ruler around with her everywhere to make sure she is measuring up and fitting in. It has taken me too many years to get to where I am and I still find myself getting caught off guard by differences when I least expect it. I’m sure she’ll walk taller and feel stronger if I can just somehow teach her to skip the comparisons and just love herself all the time. Maybe I can do some learning along with her. This is where some of that evolving happens.
8 comments
You are the sweetest, you know that? I think we will always compare ourselves to others, however what matters is how quickly you bounce back to who YOU really are.
The ONLY thing you can do is talk to her about being different from the crowd. Take every opportunity to show her why she is different and beautiful. One of my favorite teaching moments with my girls is pointing out style. Just because you have name brand everything doesn’t mean you have style. (This talk was meant to prepare them for High School!!) Style is something you create that is uniquely you – and that can happen at Goodwill, Target, etc. I also try to live it myself and hope that they will follow suit.
I love this,Jenny : “I think we will always compare ourselves to others, however what matters is how quickly you bounce back to who YOU really are.” It’s so true. The goal is always to lead by example but goodness sometimes this parenting thing is full of pressure.
Catherine, I think this is beautiful in so many ways. Beautiful heart, beautifully written, and expresses so many of the things we feel as moms, especially moms of girls. They notice and take to heart differences more than boys. You recognize it because you were there. You see it coming like a ship on the horizon—and you are wise to anticipate that and understand.
It’s really painful when they discover ways they don’t fit in. Your daughter will. I don’t think you can really teach how to avoid those pitfalls. Gentle guiding, reminders, living your life as uniquely as you can help, but it’s inevitable.
This speaks to my heart so much. I’m a fairly self-confident person, and always have been, so I think I missed some of the traditional emotional stumbles of girls. (Not all of them, by any means.) My oldest daughter is a sensitive girl, very aware of what’s going on around her and all the ways girls (and boys) can hurt each other. I’m praying that I show her how to be strong. How to acknowledge the differences, the real hurts, and then move on. Lots of prayers as I raise my kids.
Such a sweet and sensitive post. I’m glad you captured it in the middle of the night.
I think comparing ourselves to others is part of the socialization process. I’ll say things like, “Look around this restaurant. Do you see any other people banging their knives on the table?” Or “Do you ever hear Daddy and me talking to each other like that?” We’re trying to teach these self-centered beings how to share the world with 7 billion other people.
At the same time, we do need to have a strong inner yardstick by which we measure ourselves, according to our own values. As mom, our task is to instill both.
Very thought-provoking!
You know, I had one of those moments when J was younger…preschool I think (that was 5+ years ago). Even one of the teachers commented that they loved that J’s Valentines were handmade. Even to this day, when O and B came home with theirs, I thought the same thing…but my perspective has changed.
I’m glad that my children’s Valentines are hand made. It makes it (to me) more meaningful, more full of thought and care for each and every person. How simple it is to go out and buy something, tape another something on it and throw it in a bag to take to a party and hand out. Now, I’m not knocking those necessarily. Time is short. I, more than most, get that.
However, I find that teaching my kids to take the time to make something meaningful and having pride in their handiwork can only bring them strength when the ruler comes out. It can only give them the fortituted they’ll need when others start telling them TO measure up…they can be strong knowing that they are unique, different, not less but maybe even ‘more’. Make sense?
I know exactly what you mean Catherine. I was the little girl who went to school in hand knitted cardigans and at times all I wanted was shop bought and home sewn school skirt with the oh so large hem so Mum could let it down as I grew. The popular girl noticed my deep hem and commented on it in front of everyone, that was oh 30+ years ago and I still can see that girl, hear that comment and yes choke back tears about it but…… now I am a big girl and I knit and sew for my little girl I see there is a balance there to be had and I need to be sensitive to my daughters feelings (not that my Mum wasn’t) and know when its time to splurge on that shop bought popular item and when to hold my ground and tell her its plain silly. I hope I get it as right as my Mum did.
It’s it hard once the innocence wears off and they start noticing differences and start trying to measure up. Makes me a bit sad!